I think I won the penis lottery.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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