I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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