Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
