Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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