im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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