I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
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