I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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