bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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