i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
