just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
