someone threw a dead crab at me
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
