Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
