Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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