Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I smell like Dick and happiness
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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