Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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