you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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