Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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