did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
