I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
