so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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