I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
