I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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