i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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