I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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