dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Randomize
