Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
