He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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