I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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