Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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