Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize