You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize