He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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