Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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