u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize