Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
