On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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