it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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