If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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