When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
