god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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