you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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