After last night, I could never be a politician.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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