I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
