What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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