oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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