He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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