I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
