Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize