She is in my trunk
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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