Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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