Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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