First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
