Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
