We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize