cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
