you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
