Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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