i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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