She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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