So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
