Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
