tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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