Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
