the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We left the knife in your bed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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