So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
