her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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