Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
