I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
