I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
