Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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