Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
