nut hugger
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
