Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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