Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
