sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
