toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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