The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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